Nothing But Empty

                                                         **Trigger warning: miscarriage

    When we found out we were going to have a child, I was so terrified that I cried. 

    You held me in your arms and reassured me that it would be alright, but I couldn't believe you. 

    I had just finished therapy for my depression less than a year ago. I had tried to take my own life. We were moving back to China. How could I posssibly handle one more responsability?

    It didn't feel real. And when it did, for a moment, all I could feel was fear. 

    We had no idea what we were doing. 

    And then...I found the blood. 

    With it, I instantly knew. 

    I had not only been afraid all this time. There was still hope. Love. A child that would change everything. 

    I was so full, 

        only to become incredibly,

            horribly

                empty. 

    Nothing but empty, as I stared at the blood in my hands. 

    Nothing but empty as I grimaced through the pain, trying so hard not to scream. 

     On that cold bathroom floor. 

    Alone. 

    Loss. 

    It hurts so much that I flush the toilet before even getting a proper look. How can I look at my child like that, all blood and no hope? 

    I sink away and bury her in my heart with the others. A lonely, secret loss that only I will ever know. 

    My body has changed but now it is empty. Confused. What did it change for? How do I numb the pain? 

    How do I fill what is now empty?

    How do you mourn the loss of someone you thought you didn't want? Did I wish her away? Was it my fault? 

    Even now, do I hide her because I am afraid? She is locked away, deep inside me. 

    How do I fill what is now empty?

                                                                                                                written by Christine Chan